He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
