You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
