hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
