so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
