I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
