Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
