Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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