She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
