my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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