why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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