i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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