I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
