someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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