I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize