Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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