omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We got so high we made milksteak
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
