Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
