Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
