He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
