No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize