i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
