I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
