i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
