Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
