I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
