Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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