WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
