soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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