At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
