the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
All the doctor said was why
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
