he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
