Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
