you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
