apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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