I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
