Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
