I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize