Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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