She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
