I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
