life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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