I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
this beer tastes like vomit already
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
