he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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