Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
