Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I need to sanitize my soul.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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