a queef is a wish your heart makes.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
