STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
