i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
