So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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