I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
