My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
