Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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