When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
