he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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