Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
