I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
