So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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