I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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