I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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