dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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