Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize