I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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