Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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