i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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