as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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