Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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