Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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